random

its really confusing myself. i promised i dun mind a lot of things but the moment i suspect something is happening, i get a frustrated and cannot concentrate on anything.

being able to wake u up from bed is something i always love to do. it feels like a something so sweet and simple that a person can do for another. i guess i really love having a family of my own. if i can choose, i hope to be able to do it forever. for you.

maybe i should just change myself to be the selfish and never be considerate to others kind of arse. coz only if that happens, will i not get hurt anymore. sometimes i am so tired of getting hurt over and over again.

look up look down...

好羡慕那些成双成对的朋友。。。

在情绪低落的时后，有个精神支柱。。。
有个人可以依靠。。。
在疲惫的时后，有个人在身旁危你加油！

好羡慕啊。。。

the insane mind of mine....

opps.... i guess i am still not well (in my mind..) to write yet but the this somehow relieves me of the things bogging my mind.

***

things have not been going well since feb (for reasons which i still can't say...)

***

when things are going smoothly, spanners will be thrown into the works. stalling the operations and throwing everything into disarray.
when work seems to be going well, little actions from somewhere, somehow brings me down again.
as the saying goes, "if life hands you lemons, you make lemonade"....
but if life keeps handing me shit, what can i make from shit?

***

give me a reason to think life is still great... coz i cant think of any. ANYMORE...

p.s: i have quit tcc.

irritating "fan"....

i got something in mind that i want to write down but somehow, something just gives me a mental block on how to write. i want to keep the persons involved names under wraps to protect them. but at the same time, i want to be able to write freely. maybe i should try to name them as some of their favorite dishes or something?

***

pay is in and i want to go shopping.... but it seems this month, i got so many debts to clear that i am only left with like 1/8 of my salary... really sad... how to survive?

the fan in my room is driving me crazy with a constant clicking sound and i really need a new 1....

enjoyment....

sunday could have been a turning point...

it could have turned out well...
if i haven't agreed....
but then again....
it could have been worse...
i can't really tell...

tuesday.... it may just be the 2nd day of the week but it feels like a whole week already... couldn't concentrate on what i was doing... even forgot to send in my job log... got a lot of things weighing down my mind and there's still meeting to attend tomorrow. i guess the only time i can put aside my problems is when the students start coming in for the club activities....

the noise level, though unbearable, but did manage to drown out the problems in me....

all i can hope now is that thursday, when the other batch of kids come in, can let me put aside everything that's bugging me. let me enjoy making noise with them...

that is my temporary disconnection to my sorrow....

full of shit....

sometimes i feel so full of things to write.... but when i log on to blogger, everything just evaporates....

i guess i still have the fear of letting people know my thoughts....

again another random writing.... but i really had a lot to write about until i logged on.... wth....

edit:
i am due to receive a piece of bad news...

i dunno how to react to it
confused abt it... fuck myself....

i wun talk abt it to anyone... so dun ask me...

mouthful....

i always think i can say whatever i want in this blog, but as time goes on(and more and more people knowing abt the existence of this blog), it becomes harder and harder to say wat i want....

recently i got quite a bit of things somehow getting stuck in my chest and with no outlet to let it out... its feeling more and more like constipation(y am i using this as a metaphor?). u know u have loads of crap to let out, but somehow u cant do ur business...

or a better way to describe it is u want to scream.... but u are afraid it will scare the ppl ard u... and now all u want to do is to find a place with no end in sight, and just scream(cry or watever f**k shit that u want to do...), but this place seems elusive(a better way to put it: u can never find such a place)... i think this really sums up my feeling for these few days...

a small pack of rice.....

i am so freaking skinny now....

everyone i met has commented that i slim down. a lot. i still eat my regular meals, and didn't skip any. i still enjoy junk food. but still lost a bit of weight. some people think its good but i really dun think it is....

i want to get back to the weight i b4... i need the weight of a small packet of rice. 5kg to be exact....

lines on arms.....

4 more days and my sis will go on holiday with her bf... and i will be left alone...
what should i do? maybe this is the time i can learn how to live alone after she get married? i thought i would have someone to talk to but after wat i did, all hopes just disappears.
y did i want to do it?
could have been better for me if i didn't....
but where will it lead to...

i just hope i dun have stupid thoughts again...

getting kind of emo here and i can't help it
starting to understand y syl have "barcode" on her arms...

breathing....

feeble limbs...
falling leaves, falling branches...
somethings blocked...
shivering....
the weather is changing...its starting to get cold...

all these doesn't make sense doesn't it... it dun have to be... nothing is supposed to make sense... or does it matter if there is some sense in it? some things just happen and there is no reasons to support it..

just like y this post has a title which has no link pr whatsoever to that written here...

sunny windy day....

is it just me or is everyone ard me having the shit loads of problems recently?

went rd reading blogs of friends and all i see are shitty things...

just for fun 3.....

Did you get pierced before you were 16?

::if thinking of counts..... then..... none

Are you good at hiding your feelings?

:: not that good i think

Do you wave when you see people you know?

:: i think i dun

Who did you last have a sleepover with?

::my bloster

Are you afraid of falling in love?

:: i don't use to....

Can you braid hair?

:: wats that?

Do you drink Red Bull or any other energy drink on a regular basis?

:: only when i need to work through the night

Do you hate being alone?

:: yes i do.... i am terrified

Have you ever been out past curfew?

:: who hasn't?

Do you get along with girls?

:: unknown

Have you ever been in trouble with the cops?

:: how big kind of trouble?

Did you know that peeling a wrapper off of a bottle means your sexually frustrated?

:: never heard of it

What is the connection between you & the last person who called you?

:: one of the only people i trust

sounds that annoying?

:: fingernails on chalkboard

What did you do today?

:: earn my own keep

What did you do last night?

:: thinking of wat to do on wednesday

Do you have a cell-phone?

:: it is an essential for everyone

Are you emotional?

:: when it comes to things i care a lot

Have you ever had the same dream more than once?

:: not any i remember

Name a song that makes you happy?

:: cannot think of any at the moment

Do you use chopstick?

:: when i can't find fork or spoon

Food choices?

:: any western

What was the most recent thing you bought?

:: tealights

What is on your refrigerator door?

:: nothing.....

just for fun........

found this on fat's blog and so i write

10 WEIRD THINGS/HABITS/LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT ME.
Rules & Regulations
1) Each player of this game have to start off with 10 weird things/habits/little known facts about yourself.
2) People who got tagged by this, needs to write the same too.
3) At the end of it, you need to choose 10 people to be tagged and list their names.
4) No tag back!

Lets begin:
1) I can't sleep when the sun is up unless i am really tired
2) I love to stay up til sunrise
3) I dun mind rushing to wait but can't stand waiting to rush
4) I can't speak my mind coz i am afraid of the consequences if i do
5) I love to buy things for people i like but can't bear to buy anything for myself
6) I love hugs but only with her
7) I do worry about my family just that i dun show it openly
8) I have an inferiority complex
9) I dun know how to care for others other than to spend money on them
10) I yearn for love like those in dramas

chance....

the past 2 weeks feels like august all over again... been through happy moments and the very next day, everything goes bad again...

its like giving you a chance and in the next moment, taking everything away from u.... everything happens like in an instant.

i had my chance to make things good but den i made a mess of it... or maybe i wasn't even given the chance.... its all in the mind.

all i want to say is... i always cannot say wat i feel...

and i still believe you no matter wat is said about u

skatepark....

look sir, driods!!!



www.theembassyvfx.com

bad luck...

i think all the bad luck is catching up on me. u know... the kind u get for not forwarding the a chain email from hundreds of years ago(i only know of mail that comes tied to a bird legs in those time)...

i admit it.... i do forward some but thats a minority.... i usually just discard them.
nothing seems like going right for me... from family to $ to relationship.

wth is wrong?

random

Guys drinks to forget about the girl...
Girls drinks to think back about that guy..

When guys are in love, they become poorer
But when girls are in love, they become prettier

Guys can forget, but cannot forgive...
Girls can forgive, but cannot forget..

Guys care most about the quantity of love...
But girls care most about the quality of love..

Guys break-up when they feel love from another Girl...
Girls break-up when they feel separation from her man...

Guys feels curious towards all girls...
Girls feel curious towards the guys who are Interested in her..

When guys are heartbroken, they try to forget the girl by going out with other girls...
When girls are heartbroken, they try to find his Characteristics from other guys...

Guys wishes to be her first love....
And girls wishes to be his last love....

friday morning....

boss treating dinner tonight... buffet at some hotel which i never heard of before. its to celebrate another colleague's birthday. too bad my throat is not feeling to well.

*

just chatted briefly with her juz now. apparently, she got herself a temp job at ntu doing admin. quite glad to know that at least she is working now. i was still thinking of helping her look for a part time job but i think she is managing well now...

*

looking at the codes for the site i am doing, i feel so lost. a single file to control almost every shit in every page and i still dun completely understand how to do it. now i really understand how developers feel...

::i am starting to label my post. "personal" labels means no comments required.. hahaha

no drive....

i have a lot of drafts but no drive to carry on blogging....

wat is wrong?

no idea at all. i have all the ideas but no drive to carry on.