looking backwards at my looking forward.....

it really feels bad when u have nothing to look foward to. used to look forward to weekends coz that will be the day i get to see her. we usually work together on sat and/or go out after work. and very sad to say, soccer hasn't been able to replace my enthu for weekends(it used to be the only thing i look forward to on weekends). i really missed her very much.

whenever the thought of not being able to see her anymore sinks in, i really feel a sense of helplessness. and sometimes, when such thoughts sneaks up on me when i am at a public place, i have to keep blinking my eyes coz they swell up.

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i think i am in some kind of depression. i dun remember sinking so deep during my 2 years in ite. there was a point of time i really think joan is my one and only choice. i never dreamed 5 years on, i would love someone else so much more than i love joan during that time. there was a point of time when i thought that she is the one i would marry. all that has changed now.

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sometime i wonder, if i were to fall really sick(as in my life is ending soon), would she even care? would she come and see me, even as a friend? i guess she wouldn't even bother.

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came back straight from work today but it just didn't feel right. feels like i didn't do something that should have been done. for the past few day i have been going out with my friends after work. i dun wish to be alone. i am afraid of being alone.