don't know why....

when i am almost clear of thinking of her, something will trigger another memory of her.

my heart really hurts...

everyday has become a routine for me. act like i am happy... go to office, rush for deadlines, lunch, more rush, wait for 7pm, go home...
occassionally, the thought of going to redhill after work pops up in my mind. its a very scary thought. the left side tells u the right things to do while ur right imagines what good or bad things might happen if u do it. i am very conflicted. i know..... but thats just me. i can't help it.

*

i recently talked to her on msn and it was during office hours. i was quite busy at that time coz i got to meet a 4pm deadline.

she is in a cyber cafe coz her lappy is dead and she will not repair it so soon so she will not be on msn until her lappy is nursed back to health.

she keep asking me when i will work at tcc during the weekdays coz she's got smth for me. strangely, seeing her again is what i wanted but instead of agreeing, i ask her to pass whatever she wanted to give me to sam... maybe i am juz scared of finding out what the smth is(i hope its a birthday gift but something is telling me she wants to give me back the things i gave her) i really regret wat i said but my brain was very tuned to work at that pt of time that my decision making is hindered. maybe seeing her would help me, at least, make me feel better coz at least i know she isn't pissed with me anymore... i dunno... i really dunno.

tried to make amends to my decision by asking sam to ask her out when she is ask her out. juz the 3 of us(sam, her and me)... dinner or somthing.... it is something we said we wanted to do but never really had the chance to do.

*

its still raining now so it means no soccer today i guess. so i will have lots of time again. really worried again about myself. look at my post last weekend if u dunno what i mean. somehow getting the same feeling again. i think that whenever i feel lost, i will get that kind of feel. i shouldn't really. i know it but i really can't change myself for now.

on a side note... this post marks my 100th post since 2004. seems like it really did take a very long time for me to reach this many. hahahaha.