a long rant (its really damm frickin long)..............

seems like the "prophecy" did not come true..... coz jul and aug this year just felt worse just when i think it was getting better.

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i apologize for my behaviors and the things i said this past few weeks. but i just feel so redundant everywhere i go. in school, my part time job.... even at home.

my sister just graduated in may and is working now.
few days back, i she was home quite late and i asked her y was she late when she promised to be home by 6.30. her reply was there was last minute job that came in. but wat hurt me was the next line.

she said :

"YOU WON'T UNDERSTAND ONE. YOU ARE NOT IN THIS LINE ANYWAY!"

and she said in a way that shows me she was irritated by my questioning.

i do have to admit, i was annoyed when i question her about the delayed homecoming. she had said she would be home early and we will go buy some nice food to celebrate grandmother's bday. but not even a fone call to say she will be back late.

when she said i am not in this line, it feels like she was looking down on me as i cannot hold a job in the creative field. i am already feeling so damm low for not being able to get a job in this field and those word just feels like rubbing salt into open wound.

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after a short chat with one of my students, i gathered that i could be the reason the attendance to cca is dropping. i dun know wat's wrong and i am trying to fix things. make it more interesting for them..... push them to join competitions. and after all is done, it doesn't seem to be improving. and the teachers in charge of the cca somehow are giving me the feeling they are losing faith in me. i find myself feeling ever so difficult to speak to them w/o feeling guilty. guilty that i am unable to meet their expectations.... or even my own.

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i recently told s that the feeling for her has faded.....
but i can't seem to grasp y i still feel jealous when i see her with playing around with others. and i dun like the feeling i am getting from her now.....
its as though she is out to push me away from her....
as far as possible....

not long ago, s would still call me in the afternoon or night almost daily. and i like to hear her go on and on about things major or minor. but ever since she moved, things changed....
gone are the calls which i would stay up late for....

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i am sorry if this looooooooong entry is a bit un-comprehensible but i really need to let everything out somewhere tonight coz my previous two attempts to talk to someone failed.

i feel so fucking worthless now.